When Striving Fails

I have white-knuckled my plans and my calendar for the better part of my 23 years of life. Somewhere along the way my desire to “do everything with excellence,” was perverted into perfectionism.  Life quickly lost its spontaneity and was married to a calendar, the grade book, and the deep-rooted belief that I had to “earn my keep.”

This has been the story of my college experience. This is where I have been and daily where I find myself slipping into. The travesty in all of this is that I have never found the security and approval I so deeply crave in my pursuit of perfection. It has never made me feel loved, or worthy, or like I have something unique to bring to the table. In fact, it has done the opposite. It has squeezed the life out of me and left me gasping for air. It has ripped my heart out and left me bleeding more times than I can count. Yesterday was one of those days.

Yesterday morning I woke up to a rejection letter from my dream graduate program, and the words that quickly became the broken record of my day were, “but I just don’t understand. I did everything right.” I did. I submitted an application that had been reviewed by people far smarter and prestigious than I. I have a 4.0 GPA. I attained letters of recommendation qualified, and admired, leaders and teachers in the field. And even so, my application was not enough to gain admittance. This is the flaw and lie in perfectionism. You can never do anything “so right” that you have the control you so desire. The control you believe you are cultivating is an illusion and you are just as susceptible to failure as anyone else.

Though graduate schools applications aren’t a spiritual matter in and of themselves, there is truth revealed in the way this process has exposed my heart. The truth is- I am afraid to admit that I daily am in need of so much grace, and in an effort to avoid that admittance….I preform and preform and perform until I run myself into the ground.  The reality is that, in the depths of my heart, I am fearful that He would change His mind about me if I had nothing to offer. That He would shut the door on me if I had no awards or accolades to offer as a ticket of admission. I have tried to keep us in good standing with works well done and duties faithfully, and efficiently, fulfilled.

As desperation and angst couldn’t seal the deal on my admission into graduate school, my motivated striving couldn’t make my Jesus love me any more.

Through years of compassionate care, continued failure, and painful collisions with the reality of my brokenness, I am learning that my anxious control will never breed and foster the security that I am starving for. My Jesus doesn’t need my success. In fact, He doesn’t even want it. He wants the affection of my heart. He wants me to rest. To give up the striving and drown in the grace that is so freely mine. This is love. This is security- when I have nothing to offer and I am chosen and desired anyway.

P.S I am still sad and confused about graduate school. The recognition of truth does not make the learning any less painful, but there is hope. (: