I have white-knuckled my plans and my calendar for the
better part of my 23 years of life. Somewhere along the way my desire to “do
everything with excellence,” was perverted into perfectionism. Life quickly lost its spontaneity and was
married to a calendar, the grade book, and the deep-rooted belief that I had to
“earn my keep.”
This has been the story of my college experience. This is
where I have been and daily where I find myself slipping into. The travesty in
all of this is that I have never found the security and approval I so deeply
crave in my pursuit of perfection. It has never made me feel loved, or worthy,
or like I have something unique to bring to the table. In fact, it has done the
opposite. It has squeezed the life out of me and left me gasping for air. It
has ripped my heart out and left me bleeding more times than I can count.
Yesterday was one of those days.
Yesterday morning I woke up to a rejection letter from my
dream graduate program, and the words that quickly became the broken record of
my day were, “but I just don’t understand. I did everything right.” I did. I
submitted an application that had been reviewed by people far smarter and
prestigious than I. I have a 4.0 GPA. I attained letters of recommendation
qualified, and admired, leaders and teachers in the field. And even so, my
application was not enough to gain admittance. This is the flaw and lie in
perfectionism. You can never do anything “so right” that you have the control
you so desire. The control you believe you are cultivating is an illusion and
you are just as susceptible to failure as anyone else.
Though
graduate schools applications aren’t a spiritual matter in and of themselves,
there is truth revealed in the way this process has exposed my heart. The truth
is- I am afraid to admit that I daily am in need of so much grace, and in an
effort to avoid that admittance….I preform and preform and perform until I run
myself into the ground. The reality is
that, in the depths of my heart, I am fearful that He would change His mind
about me if I had nothing to offer. That He would shut the door on me if I had
no awards or accolades to offer as a ticket of admission. I have tried to keep
us in good standing with works well done and duties faithfully, and
efficiently, fulfilled.
As desperation and angst couldn’t seal the deal on my
admission into graduate school, my motivated striving couldn’t make my Jesus
love me any more.
Through years of compassionate care, continued failure, and painful
collisions with the reality of my brokenness, I am learning that my anxious
control will never breed and foster the security that I am starving for. My
Jesus doesn’t need my success. In fact, He doesn’t even want it. He wants the
affection of my heart. He wants me to rest. To give up the striving and drown
in the grace that is so freely mine. This is love. This is security- when I have
nothing to offer and I am chosen and desired anyway.
P.S I am still sad and confused about graduate school. The recognition of
truth does not make the learning any less painful, but there is hope. (:
