Grace upon grace

The story of King David and Bathsheba is currently one of my favorites, believe it or not. It is such a legend of the grace of God actively at work in our lives. For a shepherd boy to be made a king in the first place was incredible. Then, he see’s a woman bathing...takes her into his chambers, she get’s pregnant, he murders her husband (along with many others) and then wed’s the beautiful Bathsheba. The price for adultery was death. The price for murder was death. And yet, neither of them die. Their first baby dies, but then they go on to have four more God-fearing sons-one of which becomes King Solomon, known as the wisest man to have ever lived.
A story of grace is one that turns a shepherd into an anointed king, and his son, the son of an adulteress, into his successor. That is exactly what the grace of God desires to do, despite all of our faults and failures. He longs to take us, from the shepherd’s field, into the king’s court. No matter how many times I commit adultery in my relationship with the Lord, He still calls me royalty. He still places upon me a white robe. He calls me new. He calls me His love. And that.. Is grace, my friends.

Praying for the encounter

Last night was just incredible. As I'm on the rooftop of this building, under the stars, reflecting on what has happened up to this point at BootCamp I am blown away by the work my God is doing in this place and in these kids. How sweet it is that we serve a God who longs to be with us. To commune with us. Scripture promises that where two or more are gathered in His name, there He is also. And man have we found that to be true over and over again.  In the short time we have been here there have already been incredible life change. Students have been overwhelmed by the Lord's provision, faithfulness, and goodness even in the mundane tasks we ask of them.  I love that a single encounter with the love of Christ can and will change the trajectory of someone's life forever. My prayer is that every student in this place, all 525 of them, encounter Jesus in a real and tangible way this week. That they would come to a saving knowledge and understanding of who Jesus is and what He did for them through His life, death, and resurrection. That they would realize that He wants to meet then right where they are at. My God wants nothing more than the hearts of these students and he won't  relent until He has them all.  Hallelujah our God reigns.

Daddies and Daughters.

I love my job. I feel like everyday I see a new aspect of the Fathers heart revealed. I think my favorite part is that He is using children to do so. I love it. Last night at FLIP- our middle school mid-week outreach- there was a little girl who came with her father. Generally the parents drop their children off at 7 and aren't back until it's time to pick them up at 8:30. This time was different though. This little girl stayed by her father' side the entire time. Initially I found this slightly strange and figured that she was probably kind of shy and didn't want to be left alone with a bunch of kids and staff she didn't know. That wasn't the case though. She was social, silly, and had a giggle that penetrated the hearts of all who heard it. I strategically walked past her and her father many times and every time heard, " Daddy, did you know ______?" or "isn't that funny, Daddy?" This made my heart smile. Partially because it reminded me of the sweet relationship I share with my Daddy and mostly because it was a beautiful portrayal of the trust and bond between a father and a daughter. She wasn't afraid or reluctant to go play with her friends, but every time she would return with a new story to share with her father. Every time she returned his face would light up and he would grin real big as if the story she was telling was the most thrilling tale he had ever heard. It was precious. As I continued to watch this unfold i couldn't help but imagine that this must be how Jesus feels about me. He loves when I go play with my friends and then run back to him to tell him all the little details. He loves when I call him "daddy" because we have a bond deeper than any earthly father daughter relationship. He loves that I want Him to go with me everywhere. He delights in my presence much like this father truly delighted in the presence of his precious daughter.  I love that. My Daddy loves me. He loves my stories and my giggles, but mostly He loves my time and the time we get to spend together.  Absolutely unbelievable. He is too good to me.

Stories from a photograph

Deep, expansive, stretches of unfathomable depravity- textures, colors, and faces depicting defeat and loss. Loss of hope. Loss of the will to live. Loss of a loved one. Yet, in the midst there are colors and precious faces of feverish life and joy. Hearts that have found a place to rest. Children who have found someone to call "Daddy." Mothers who have found hope is the most desolate of circumstances. A gentle reminder and silent screaming whisper of our Maker’s promise. A beautiful depiction of how he makes beauty from ashes and brings light into the darkest places. He hasn't forgotten. This is simply the comma before the continuation. The war before reconciliation. It isn't over. All of these sentiments captured by this one breathtaking/heartbreaking/ picture that tells a story. A story of a King who came into our brokenness and made it beautiful. Who turned our spiritual depravity into everlasting joy. The story of a Father in relentless pursuit of reconciling His own back to himself. His promise is still true....He is coming back.

Did I really want what I prayed for?

This year on my birthday, in February, I posted the following status on Facebook:

This year has been quite the whirl wind in every way imaginable. It's so neat to look back and see the transformation that has taken place in my life not only in the past year, but for the past 20! He is faithful, my friends. In the next decade, and for all the years to follow, I desire for the splendor of The Lord to be released in my life. I desire character, virtue, and love. I desire to be uncomfortable, as much as I detest it. I desire for every good thing that The Lord is, in me, to be exposed. Most of all, I want to wake up every morning with a heart that truly believes that "Jesus is better".

Today, about four months later, as I am serving as a student ministries intern at Hill Country Bible Church I don't believe this prayer could be any more true. Everyday I have the responsibility of pouring into kids lives with the sole intention of pointing them to Jesus. It's the best. I truly believe that there is no place I would rather be, but man is it hard. I am placed in uncomfortable situations daily. I am asked to love on and connect with students who literally want nothing to do with me. My character is put to the test and the yucky parts of me are often exposed....and somehow I am still surprised and even a little annoyed by it every single time. But why? I prayed for this. I WANT this. I want those little things about me to be redeemed and refined by Jesus. I want His love to work in and through my life. I want to be outside my comfort zone so that I have no choice but to rely on Him. I want to grow. I desire so deeply for His name to be made famous, but at what cost? Am I really willing to feel so awkward or for my failures to be so obvious? Everything inside of me longs to cover these messy parts and to stay in the situations where I know I can succeed , but if my heart truly believes that "Jesus is better" than I have to be willing to go to the hard places. I will choose to rejoice in the awkwardness of it all because I know that Jesus is my source of satisfaction- not my performance, comfort, or popularity. Only Him.  Oh, He is faithful.

" God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him" - John Piper.

A restless night.

Last night I woke up multiple times due to bizarre dreams. This isn't horribly abnormal for me to do, but the content of the dreams was anything but normal. I had multiple dreams of this one African child- one I've never met, or at least not one that I remember meeting. His name was JT. He was short, squishy, and had huge coffee bean eyes that could have seen deep into your soul. He was adorable in every way...well, to me. He had been abandoned when he was about 3 by a mother who simply wanted nothing to do with him. He had other siblings, but his mother had seen value in them and taken them with her when she left. JT was alone, scared, confused, and being abused daily by the people of his village. He had burns covering his face and his hands were mangled as a result of some kind of trauma. In the dream, I came across JT as I was walking through the village to a market. As I was walking by a saw a Gogo (grandma) beating him with a long branch and screaming at him. I stopped and immediately began to question what was going on. She answered " no one wants him. He has to leave." In my dream I remember vividly being filled with anger. I was absolutely disgusted and frightened at the same time- this was the first time I woke up. As I stared at the ceiling in my room I tried to talk myself out of that state of mind and eventually fell back asleep knowing that dream would be gone forever. It wasn't. It continued. I argued with the Gogo and pleaded for her to stop. Jt was bleeding all over but hadn't shed a tear. He was silent. He was used to this. Eventually I was able to convince the Gogo to let him come with me. She assured me that I wouldn't want him for long and that I would soon understand why everyone treated this boy in such a way. I scooped little JT up and headed for my home. Wherever that was, it wasn't ever clear in the dream. On the way home I tried to talk to JT but got no response. In fact, he wouldn't even look at me. As I carried him down the road he tested his beaten and bruised head on my shoulder and stated at the road behind me. At some point we arrived at our final destination where a large man was waiting for us. He immediately began to question where I had found this boy and was even more curious as to why I had wanted him. I tried to explain but all I could say was " I love him." As those words escaped my lips I felt the back of my t shirt get damp. I lifted JT from my shoulder and saw tears streaming down his face. The boy who had shown no emotion and refused to speak to me was now crying in my arms and had locked his beautiful brown eyes with mine. I couldn't give him to this man. He was mine. I had to plead with this man who clearly wanted no good for my boy to let me keep him. Eventually he gave in, because much like everyone else, he believed that JT wasn't worth the fight. I woke up again at this point, so relieved that I hadn't had to give my Jt over to this man. It felt real. My heart legitimately hurt even in my conscious state. Again, I stared at the ceiling and convinced myself that the dream was over. Jt was safe and I would have a solid three more hours of sleep before it was time to get up. Nope. As soon as I fell asleep JT and I were sitting around a fire just looking at each other. This time he was different though. He had no bumps or bruises. His hands weren't mangled. And his eyes...his eyes were different. There was a spark there. There was life. This time when I spoke to him he answered and when I asked him his name he answered, "JC." JC? I had thought this whole time his name was JT? And it was. You see, his name had changed. He used to be JT when he was used, abused and unwanted, but now, now after he had encountered love and someone who would fight for him he was JC. He was a new boy far different from the one I had seen on the doorstep of that Gogo's house. I woke up again. Unlike the other times I knew I wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep. So I just laid there thinking. What on earth was all of that? What did it mean? Did it mean anything? I couldn't help but imagine that little JT was me though. While I have the most loving family who would never treat me in such a way I still could relate to JT in a strange sense. I began to realize that I was just like him before I knew Jesus. Satan saw little value in me and did everything in his power to ensure that I felt useless and unloved. He used and abused me and made me feel like I had been abandoned. But then, I encountered Jesus and his love was transformative. I wasn't that same used up person I had believed I was. I was new. Totally new. All my bumps and bruises were gone because Jesus had stepped in front of that big man in my dream and said, "NO. This one is worth it. She is mine. I will fight for her." Even when that big man didn't see the value Jesus saw. At this I couldn't help but cry. I literally just laid in my bed and cried thankful tears because of what Jesus did for me through his life, death, and resurrection. So thankful that he said " this one is worth it" when he looked at me. But then I felt convicted. How many Jt 's do I know that still walk around believing the lies that satan and society tell them about their value? How many times have I not stepped in and said , " this is one is worth it" for someone who couldn't do it for themselves? Praise God there is grace for that, but wow. I cannot just be a passerby or someone who sees the injustice of the world taking place and doesn't step in. Jesus stepped in for me so I have no other choice but to do the same for others.

Weddings

Last night I went to the wedding of a very precious man in my life. Wes Yeary. By definition he is the sports chaplan at Baylor, but to all who know him he is more than that. He is a man of his word, a constant encourager, a wonderful example of a godly man, and so much more. In the past year Wes went out of his way to walk with me through one of the toughest things I have ever been through. He was patient and kind, but most importantly- he pointed me to Jesus. Wes also led the trip to Africa I was on only a week ago. He is passionate about ministry and has a heart for the lost. I love you, Wes! The wedding was extraordinary. Erica, his bride, looked beyond beautiful and the church was decorated absolutely perfectly. What I found even more wonderful though was the fact that they intentionally didn't really make it about them. It was about Jesus. About serving Jesus together. About pointing people to Jesus together. About the commitment they made to Jesus and each other. It was simply amazing and a perfect picture of the way Christ sees and loves His church.
How could I not love and serve a God who so graciously loves and serves me in such a way. I've posted this letter I wrote before, but it seemed fitting under these circumstances. He is good.

Beloved,

Long before I laid down earth's foundations, I had you in mind, had settled on you as the focus of My love, to be made whole and holy by My love. (Ephesians 1:4-6). I created you so I could love you. I did not make you a puppet, because I wanted a lover. I knew that for a real romance to occur, I had to give you the freedom to reject Me. And reject Me, you did, chasing other lovers. I stood and watched you commit adulterous affairs with the world, trying to fill the deep chasm in your heart. And each time you came up short. They failed you. As the world continued to take and take and take from you, My overflowing fountain of love continued to lavish love upon you. I gave and gave but you kept on running from Me. Yet, I still wanted you. My pursuit for you was relentless. At the point of your deepest betrayal, when you had run your farthest from Me and gotten so lost in the woods you could never find your way home, I came into the world and died to rescue you. I followed you into your own darkness; there where you thought finally to escape me, and you ran straight into My arms. Your hope is now in My determination to save you, and I will not give in. Loving you is not something I do, it is who I am. And because of who I am, I love you. Period. Why would I love you? Because that’s who I am: I am Love. And that makes you who you are: beloved. My bride, are you making yourself ready for your Groom? Each day I kneel on one knee proposing to you the greatest romance of them all. Will you let Me love you today? Will you stop focusing on cupid, chocolates, flowers, cards, and balloons? Trade it in for a cross, the real symbol of love. Redeem what the world has tainted. Refresh your definition of love. I AM LOVE HIMSELF, all that I am goes back to love. Please do not think I am holding out on you, I am holding onto you. I am jealous FOR you, for YOUR BEST. “But, I NEED love.” Yes, My beautiful one, I know you do, but not the kind that any earthly being can give. You need Me. “What a man desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar” (Proverbs 19:22). Do not hesitate in admitting that you are in desperate need of love; I made you that way. Don’t live in the falsehood and lies that you have found unfailing love in another other source than Me. I have shaped your heart, shaped it to beat with Mine. Confess that you are bankrupt without My love. I am enthralled by your beauty, I desire you, I have already saved the day and I am coming back for you. And as you are awaiting My return, if I will, in MY time, I will surprise you with a prince to take care of you until I come riding on the clouds. But I want you to remember that “no love of the natural heart is safe unless the human heart has been satisfied by God first.” Your love will fail others. Others love will fail you. But when you are both saturated in My love, my love is made complete in you. I will grant this to you for I want you to see, in the flesh, a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love utterly. I do not have the ability to suddenly decide I do not want you anymore. Nothing you do or don’t do will make Me love you any more or any less. My love is steadfast, never changing. I am inviting you to an adventure, to live from your heart. May this world continue to stir in you the hope of Heaven, our happily ever after. You were made for Love with no intentions of giving up. I won’t relent.

Jet lag

As I sit in bed suffering from jet lag I can't help but be overwhelmed by the goodness of my God. In fact, I think I'm even enjoying this jet lag thing a little. I have found that a sleepless, empty, room is an honest place- so instead of sleep I'd rather stay up and commune with Jesus (I say that now...later I may be wishing I had slept a little.) In these quiet moments I am again reminded of how little I really am. I am a spec on the timeline of eternity  and will some day return to dust, but my God in all his majesty and love doesn't just see dust/ashes. He sees a perfectly crafted and wonderfully made creation. He then looks upon it and says "Mine." The thought of losing one He called "mine" brought Him so much despair that watching His own son die a murder's death in order to redeem His own was worth it. FOR ME. A spec. I was worth it. While Jesus dying for all of humanity as a whole would be more than enough for me to praise His name forever...He did more than that. He hung on that cross and knew my name. He knew what I would be like and look like. He knew what would make me laugh and move me to tears. He knew where I would fall short. He knew all the ways I would be completely inadequate, and still He bore the cross for my sin and shame. His pierced hands bled more than blood for me. Love leaked from His wounds and offered redemption. AND THEN after he rescued me back to Himself he allowed/allows me to be a part of His story. A God who could so easily do everything himself chooses to use me. How could I not give my life for a God like this? How could I not tell every single person I know? How could I not fall on my face and praise his name for the rest of eternity.  My God makes beauty from ashes and died to know and be intimate with all the little insignificant specs of the world. He is good.