In the stretched-too-thin places

As I sit in the little corner of the couch that I have claimed as my domain, I cannot help but be overwhelmed as I reflect on this semester. I am pressed for time and am living on the verge of tears. I am worried about things that simply do not matter, but I am worried all the same. My body is crying as I push my shoulder to the brink with all of my typing, writing, and rewriting. Though I know I have to keep pushing. I am almost there- the finish line is near. In the gasp for air, I am in awe of what the Lord has done in my life this semester. He has taken me to and through tough, painful, places and revealed some of the yuckiest places of my heart. He has walked with me through doubt and fear. He has assured me of His unfailing and unchanging love for me. He has blessed my life and heart with precious friendships and developed sweet relationships. I marvel at the truths whispered in the stillest of nights and the deep cries of my heart that he so willingly heard. I am overwhelmed. And in this season, so full of stress and the celebration of all things precious, I am reminded of all God's promises fulfilled in a baby and breathe it deep, Grace.

 I am so thankful that Jesus meets us in these overwhelming places. In the stretched-too-thin places. In-the-squeezed-between-the-exam-and-the- acro practice kind of moments, in the desperate-for-quiet-on-the-bathroom-floor-because-everywhere-else-is-full moments.

I read Luke and I think of Bethlehem. How there was no room. No room for Mary and Joseph, but surely no room adequate for a King. I think of how His parents squeezed between the animals and the filth to place Him, the Savior of the world, in a feeding trough. The shepherds came from afar and gazed in wonder, but Mary…. Mary, held all this wonder in the silence of her heart. Overwhelmed. I bet she couldn’t even form a cohesive thought, but she treasured this moment because she knew it was the fulfillment of a promise. She was holding the child who would change the world, and yet she was still confined to a muddy and loud barn intended to house animals. Beauty and filth converged and the heavens burst with joy at God's promises all fulfilled, Grace.

I look around and know: this is what He came for. For the stress and tears. For the fragmented relationships. For the broken family.  For the afflicted. For the enslaved. For the prideful. For the fearful. For the anxious. He came. The King of the universe who created all things, even life itself, clothed in splendor, took off His royal robes, laid aside His crown and squeezed all of the fullness of God into the womb of a woman. He then was born in the lowliest of places, hardly fit for a King, the babe spent his first night in a manger. Grace. 

He calls my name and I long to recognize Him here, right here.

The squished places and the stretched places, the moments that are loud and messy and uncertain, this is what He came for. The heartaches and the doubt. The scars that are our constant reminders of the times sin so tightly gripped our lives. That is why He is here. And so in these moments where we are completely overwhelmed we quietly whisper, "Come, Lord Jesus."

Come, Lord Jesus.

This morning in the dark, in the rain, in whatever mess, squished place or heartache you find yourself in, be assured that all God's promises are true and will be fulfilled. He isn’t slow. We can rejoice in thanksgiving! The Savior is here with us, Grace.

His promise is a loud and resounding, “Yes.” 

Yes, I have come. Yes, I am coming. Yes, I am staying. Yes, you are mine. Yes. Grace.

Perfectionism < GRACE

It has literally been ages since I sat down and put my thoughts to words on this silly little blog, but today just felt like the day. So here it is-my heart, my extreme depravity, and the beauty of grace revealed.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a perfectionist in every sense of the word. I thrive on structure, planning, achieving, meeting deadlines, and the good ol’ college “A.” It’s a medical miracle that I don’t already have grey hair….like seriously, I worry like its going out of style. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times a day I am told to “chill,” “calm down,” that “ its not that big of a deal,” or to “lighten up.” I am often bothered by the smallest imperfections. I drive myself crazy over any perceived shortcoming. If I am really honest with myself, the truth is that I believe that the concept of grace surely applies to everyone around me, but when applied to my circumstances I believe that it {grace} comes up short and could never cover my failures. What’s ironic in all of this is that in my attempt to do all the right things and “not sin,” I am sinning. In my attempts to not mess up, I put myself before God. I make my rules and regulations superior to his grace, and I convince myself that I know best. I stress and I worry and I forget that His perfect grace covers me, a million times, again and again. You see, I spend my time and energy spinning my wheels but standing still when I choose to live my life this way. It is truly exhausting. I have prayed for years that Jesus would teach me and grow me in this area of life,  but in the depths of my heart I never really wanted him to. I wasn’t ready to fully relinquish control. I wasn’t ready to let him have all of me because that meant He had to have my plans too. So after twenty-one years of worry, failure, exhaustion, and half-hearted prayers I am here. Ready to let go. Completely. Today, I choose to allow the grace of Jesus Christ and His work on the cross be enough for me. I choose to accept that I can’t do it all. I cannot win everything. I cannot always be right. I cannot always make straight A’s. I cannot invest in every person I ever meet. I cannot play God….I will not play God. He is enough for me.

His mercy is limitless. I am only a woman, an average person, made out of the dirt I walk on. I cannot breath life, and I can’t hold the universe in the palm of my hand. I cannot count the hairs on my head, and I cannot command the waters to reside and rest. I cannot command the sun and moon to stand still, and I cannot free myself or others from sin. To know that God would share His heart with the likes of me, only causes me to love Him more. Nothing I do, or have done, earns the love & power of Christ: it’s only and fully, His grace and mercy. Freedom.

Last day

Today was our last full day in Brazil but it surely didn't disappoint. We were able to visit Sugar Loaf and Christ the Redeemer in the morning before heading out for the day's work. It was incredible to be able to slow down and take in all of the beauty that this place holds. 

In the afternoon, we visited a school an orphanage, and held a sports clinic at our partner church. If you know me at all you know that the orphanage was my favorite part of it all. I loved getting to love on society's unloved and unlovable. It's such a beautiful picture of the gospel, and every chance I get to do so I catch another , deeper, glimpse of the Father's heart. These are His children. Beloved and treasured. Chosen and valued. His. I pray that I never forget these moments and that I never live my life outside of the lessons these moments teach my ever-learning heart.

Let them come

I spent my morning giggling and playing in a classroom full of three year olds. Again, Jesus knew I needed this. A little glimpse of unaltered and innocent joy. We blew bubbles -aka they spat in my face while trying to blow bubbles-colored pictures, played blocks, and crawled around the forts we built. It was all too fun, and I may have enjoyed it more than they did. I want to laugh and sometimes even cry like they do. It's so real. 

Later in the evening we held another sports camp and then went to our partner church for their weekly prayer service. I honestly expected the normal prayer service, but this needed up being something so special. All the kids came up to the front and we were able to lay hands on them and pray. This would have been a touching an impactful moment in and of itself, but it only got better. As I finished praying over the first two children and was making my way to the next I heard little voices behind me. When I turned around I found the two sweet boys I had just prayed over praying for each other. Wow. Tears, lots of tears. They get it. They understand how powerful prayer is and that one of the best and most significant ways they can love someone is to pray for them. I just love how Jesus speaks through children. It's no wonder he said, "let the children come" because as far as I'm concerned, they have taught me far more than I have taught them in the past two weeks. 

BABIES

Today I held babies. TWO OF THEM. Praise the Lord, I've been waiting for this for a whole week now. It's strange not being able to love on bunches of babies everyday. I mean, I even do that in America, so it has been extra strange to not have that here. I've been longingly waiting for a mother to walk by with a sweet little munchkin. Even praying that He would bring me just one to squeeze and kiss all over. I'm sure Jesus feels this way about us sometimes. I'm sure what I have felt is only a fraction of the heartache that He feels as He waits for us to come home into his arms. I've never really thought about it this way until today. I'm sure that every mother in the world understands this kind of love, but me, I've never felt/understood this before. What a beautiful glimpse I have caught of the Father's heart. I love it. I love this. I love that His love is constant. My Jesus is love Himself, and is as sure as the sun that daily chases away the night. 

Moments like this

You know those moments when Jesus  moves so clearly in your life/the lives of those around you that you can kind of do nothing except praise him? Yeah, one of those moments happened today. After we finished our evening sports clinic we gathered all the children and shared the gospel like we always do, but this time children responded. I found myself sitting on a hard, concrete, multipurpose court surrounded by children making decisions for Christ. In all honesty, it felt like the whole world stopped for a moment. THIS is what we came for. Not to sign autographs, run sports camps, or even hold a bunch of children, but for this. To see lives transformed by the love of Jesus Christ and decisions made for eternity.I am convinced that this is what heaven looks like. People from all different walks of life, cultures, countries, continents, and socio-economic classes declaring the goodness and Lordship of our King. What a moment. It is here that  I am astonished by the fact that Jesus chooses to use me, to use us, when He could so easily do it on His own. He loves me enough to let me play a part, even if it's a tiny part, it is more than I ever deserve. He is good. 

It's the little things

I thought I was tired yesterday....haha this is a whole new level of tired. Between the heat, humidity, and all day sports clinics we are pooped. The beauty of this is that every single tired moment today has been intricately woven with grace. This morning Jesus blessed my heart by bringing three little girls who did gymnastics to our morning program. I honestly did little to nothing except for flip around and giggle with those three, sweet, girls. At the end of our time together I did my best to piece together my broken Portuguese  and invite them to the afternoon clinic. I expected them not to show simply because 1. I didn't know if they understood me and 2. They were pretty preoccupied with their friends and the excitement of the morning. But...THEY CAME!!! We had another four hours to laugh, play, dance and sing together and I loved every second of it. My Jesus is so good to give me a few hours of " comfort" in a time that is filled with firsts and slightly uncomfortable situations. I am so thankful He cares deeply about the smallest and silliest parts of my life. He sees me and he knows me.  How great that is.

Also- this evening I played my first ever,real, soccer game. I was terrible and just ran around, but hey, you've gotta start somewhere. 

So worth it

Today was nothing short of exhausting. We spent the morning at a local private school loving on some teenagers. It was definitely a new experience for me, and the language barrier was quite significant, but the Lord used that part of the morning to prepare my heart for the rest of the day.  After we finished our program at the school we headed back to the church we are partnering with to plan for our afternoon basketball clinic. Again, I was expected to lead/participate in a sport that I literally know nothing about. Similar to my experience at the school earlier in the day, I was forced to completely rely on the Lord. As funny as it sounds, this is not something I am used to. I rarely am completely incapable of even beginning to tackle the task that is before me, but in the past few days I absolutely have been. I have found that it is in these moments that Jesus moves in my heart the most. He is enough-more than enough. He is sovereign over language barriers and my lacking sports abilities. He can and will still move in my heart and the hearts of these children. It's just so cool. After we finished the clinic we ran back to the hotel to eat and shower before heading back to the church for their Wednesday night program. In all honesty, I was so exhausted by this point in the day that I couldn't imagine being able to give anymore. Of course, Jesus took hold of this moment and spoke softly to my heart, " I am worth it all. Eternity is worth it all. These children are my children and they are worth it all.  Your energy, your time, your money..it's not really even yours to begin with. It's mine that I have entrusted to you, how will you steward those resources today?" In that moment I had a choice to choose joy,serve well, and point others to the only One who is worthy OR throw myself a pity party and miss an opportunity to literally be the hands and feet of Christ. With little to no second thought I choose the first option and had a wonderful evening. This isn't to say that I was exhausted or that my feet hurt any less, but that my heart started to believe that Jesus was worth it. All of it. 

First day full of firsts

Today was a day filled with firsts.

 My first time having strange Brazilian cake for breakfast. My first day exploring Maceio, Brazil. My first time eating lunch at a Brazilian subway. My first time drinking 1.5 liters of water in one sitting. What felt like my first time being outside- holy cow it is HOT with about 100% humidity. My first time teaching a sports clinic to a bunch of little Brazilian boys...and one girl. My first time learning to correctly, and still terribly, kick a soccer ball. My first time eating Brazilian BBQ. My first time going for a run on a Brazilian beach.

This day was jam packed with first times, language barriers, and sweaty children....and I loved every second of it. In all my discomfort and first times I had ample opportunities to say "yes" to Jesus. Yes, I will follow you today. Yes, I will love these children. Yes, I will eat this food that is slightly scary so that I can be fueled to love your people well. Yes, I will go run around in the scorching sun. Yes, I will laugh with and enjoy the company of my fellow teammates. 

I pray that my life song today sang a loud and resounding "yes, Lord"

He is good.

Houston-->Rio-->Maceio

WE MADE IT! 

As we embark on this two week journey my heart's prayer is that the Lord would daily reveal little glimpses of His heart to me and to His people here in Brazil. This isn't about me, us, Baylor, or Christians. It is about Jesus Christ, the one who came to redeem all people back to himself. It is only about Him. I desire to have eyes to see and ears to hear. I want His love to be my love. I want love , His love, to take me to hard places with people. I want to laugh, cry, and grow with people of all ages. I want to see His love give life to the broken and void places. I so long for each mother, father, child, grandmother, and grandfather to come to a saving knowledge and understanding of who Jesus Christ is and what He has done for them. 

He is life. He is love. He is good. He is enough- more than enough.

Please join me in prayer for Brazil, my team, and all the people we will encounter in the next two weeks. 

Wasting the Day With Worry

“Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of it's own." Matthew 6:34

When I get caught thinking...often worrying... towards tomorrow I get stuck in my today. I miss what is going on right in front of my face. It's funny how often we try to live ahead of ourselves.  As if the moment we are living in is not as important as one that is to come.  

The irony is that our thoughts towards tomorrow usually are a waste of time.  What we imagine, hope for, and or fear about tomorrow almost never plays out how we imagine it in our minds.  We role play what will never come to be and allow our imagination to run wild over worry. 

Take a breath today.  

Stop your wandering mind.  

Be still.  

Soak up today.  

For there is beauty in the this moment.  His love will provide for today.  For right now. Just like the flowers of field are adorned in beauty, just like the birds of the air are given their supply, so our Heavenly father is watchful over us.  

His Love is strong and His grace is enough.

Always Enough

I think of the woman in 1 Kings chapter 17 and hear the desperation in her rough, scratchy voice, see the bags under her eyes as she wearily replies to the Elijah, “I don’t have any bread – only a handful of flour in the jar and a little olive oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it and die."

I know this kind of desperation….the kind where you are convinced you will never have enough…enough hope, enough peace, enough love to go ‘round, enough time.

Elijah says to her as he reads her face, “ Don’t be afraid. Go home and do as you have said, but first make a small loaf of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me. Then make something for yourself and your son. For this is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: ‘The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the LORD sends rain on the land.’”

So she went. And she did EXACTLY what he said.

Do I know this kind of trust?

To hope when nothing seems to make sense? To know..in the deepest part of my heart.. that He knows best, even when what He is asking of me seems impossible and completely beyond what I see possible?

I don't know much, actually I know almost nothing, but I am learning. I beg Him to bring me closer to His heart daily so that I can learn to trust him more. Orphans get us close- this is how He sees us. Adoption gets us close- this is how He brings us into His family. Our attitude towards the poor, the widow, the prisoner, and the beggar bring us close because these people are dear to Him. But NOTHING gets us closer than injustice. I think of a Savior, who spent His whole life doing nothing but good - saving and healing and feeding and helping - dying a thief’s death and made a spectacle on a cross intended for anyone but Him. A Father who desires good things for His children. A Father who could have stopped it at any time, watched it happen. FOR ME…and I weep at the injustice of it. It is here that I find myself closer and closer and closer to His heart. It is in the moments that I recognize who I am in light of who He is that I can do nothing but fall on my face and declare His goodness. It is always in these moments that my life moves clearly into picture and I recognize how small I really am. And here, in this moment of feeling completely insignificant, I get an unblemished picture of His heart. These are the people He loves. These are the people He chooses. These are the people He is ALWAYS faithful to. The weak, the fearful, the insignificant, the needy, the lonely, the liar, the cheater, the ones who deserved His death. These are the ones.

So today, I long to know the kind of trust the widow knew.

His love and His strength, they will not run dry until He gets here, fresh rain on a parched land. And I wait in hope for Him.

“So there was food every day for Elijah and for the woman and her family. For the jar of flour was not used up and the jug of oil did not run dry, in keeping with the word of the LORD spoken by Elijah.”

Always enough.