It has literally been ages
since I sat down and put my thoughts to words on this silly little blog, but
today just felt like the day. So here it is-my heart, my extreme depravity, and
the beauty of grace revealed.
Anyone who knows me knows that
I am a perfectionist in every sense of the word. I thrive on structure,
planning, achieving, meeting deadlines, and the good ol’ college “A.” It’s a
medical miracle that I don’t already have grey hair….like seriously, I worry
like its going out of style. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times a day
I am told to “chill,” “calm down,” that “ its not that big of a deal,” or to
“lighten up.” I am often bothered by the smallest imperfections. I drive myself
crazy over any perceived shortcoming. If I am really honest with myself, the
truth is that I believe that the concept of grace surely applies to everyone
around me, but when applied to my circumstances I believe that it {grace} comes
up short and could never cover my failures. What’s ironic in all of this is
that in my attempt to do all the right things and “not sin,” I am sinning. In
my attempts to not mess up, I put myself before God. I make my rules and
regulations superior to his grace, and I convince myself that I know best. I
stress and I worry and I forget that His perfect grace covers me, a million
times, again and again. You see, I spend my time and energy spinning my wheels
but standing still when I choose to live my life this way. It is truly
exhausting. I have prayed for years that Jesus would teach me and grow me in
this area of life, but in the depths of
my heart I never really wanted him to. I wasn’t ready to fully relinquish
control. I wasn’t ready to let him have all of me because that meant He had to
have my plans too. So after twenty-one years of worry, failure, exhaustion, and
half-hearted prayers I am here. Ready to let go. Completely. Today, I choose to
allow the grace of Jesus Christ and His work on the cross be enough for me. I
choose to accept that I can’t do it all. I cannot win everything. I cannot
always be right. I cannot always make straight A’s. I cannot invest in every
person I ever meet. I cannot play God….I will not play God. He is enough for
me.
His mercy is limitless. I am only a woman, an average
person, made out of the dirt I walk on. I cannot breath life, and I can’t hold
the universe in the palm of my hand. I cannot count the hairs on my head, and I
cannot command the waters to reside and rest. I cannot command the sun and moon
to stand still, and I cannot free myself or others from sin. To know that God
would share His heart with the likes of me, only causes me to love Him more.
Nothing I do, or have done, earns the love & power of Christ: it’s only and
fully, His grace and mercy. Freedom.
beautiful
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